Friendship A Two Way Street
by Gypsy5
Summary: Watching Nemesis I wondered how Chakotay would deal with his hatred. This is my version.
1. Default Chapter

These events take place after Nemesis; the look on Chakotay's face made me think all that anger and hatred. How would he deal with it how would they deal with it. This is my version. Disclaimer; The characters belong to Paramount.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
She watched him.  
  
Neelix filled her cup with coffee, she nodded and smiled "Thanks Neelix" taking a breathe she started to walk toward him.  
  
He had been there for hours, idly holding his fork, staring at the table, leaving his food untouched. His lack of interest in the food had nothing to do with how it was prepared or even how it tasted, although Neelix was not sure he had tasted any at all. It had become too much for the Talaxian 30 minutes ago he had called the Captain.  
  
If he hadn't seen for himself the Commander's reaction to the Kradin Ambassador he would never of believed it. The look on his face had chilled Neelix to the bone. He shuddered to recall the first officer's reaction.  
  
He had been relieved when the Captain had arrived.  
  
Chakotay was preoccupied with his thoughts, appearing to any watchers not to notice her approach.  
  
She stood in front of him and spoke "Commander" she gestured to the empty chair. Their eyes meet and she changed her voice becoming softer "Chakotay" he knew that in that split second it was Kathryn not that Captain that sat at his table.  
  
They sat in silence each with their own thoughts. Cradling her cup in her hands she sat with him.  
  
Neelix did not see any gesture, or hear any words spoken. However he felt that the Commander had relaxed a little.  
  
Neither the Commander nor the Captain had smiled the smile. The one Neelix had come to expect when they were together, away from direct scrutiny of the crew. He understood the rules of the command structure, he understood Star Fleet regulations. But why showing how much you cared for someone could be so wrong he would never understand. Humans.  
  
He watched them as discreetly as he could  
  
Her eyes had never left his face.  
  
Rising from his chair Chakotay spoke "duty calls" he sounded weary.  
  
She stood reaching her hand to his, not to restrain him but to touch him.  
  
His move to leave had startled her, and then their eyes locked.  
  
For in that second all that mattered was them..  
  
His body moved toward hers.  
  
"Going our way?" Tom spoke appearing at the side of their table with Harry by his side "wouldn't want to be late for duty" he slapped Chakotay on the shoulder. Tom immediately realised he had interrupted something that with his whole being he wished he had not. Cursing himself he tried to retreat but the moment was broken.  
  
"Yes Tom, I am" his voice soft and low.  
  
Chakotay turned from the Captain and walked toward the door. "Captain I'm.." Tom started to speak but her look told him to leave it.  
  
Thomas Eugene Paris knew when to leave it. For that Harry would be forever grateful.  
  
Turning on his heel he followed Harry.  
  
The three rode the lift in silence and stepped onto the bridge. Chakotay turned to his right passing Tuvok who looked up at their arrival. "Commander" he nodded his head the first officer sat in his chair and spoke "Report;" Tom Paris turned to his left and stopped briefly as Harry took his station. At the look on his friend's face Harry raised an eyebrow and went to speak but Tuvok's voice snapped them back "Mr Paris your station"  
  
Thoughts of what had just occurred would have to wait. It seemed that Tuvok was going to have a shift of Vulcan efficiency and for once Harry didn't mind in the slightest. Anything to keep them busy was alright with him.  
  
Kathryn sat back in her chair, taking the cup again in her hands again. It was cold now but she needed to hold on to something.  
  
In all the years she had known Chakotay, she could not known him to withdraw, and she knew he was not quite himself, but he had still performed his duties to the same high standards she had become accustomed to. So she had been willing to ride it out. But today's behaviour had been so out of character it had caused a member of the crew to voice his concerns about her first officer.  
  
Kathryn knew that B'Ellana had being trying to talk to him, but she had been frustrated by her lack of success. That should have rung alarm bells, but NO she had brushed their concerns aside convincing her-self he would be alright. How else could they expect him to react? He had just needed time to sort himself out.  
  
Sighing deeply, she knew the real reason she had not acted.  
  
In the past few months, since the borg and Operation Scorpion they had not managed to get their relationship back on an even keel. If only they were still as they once were, they could have dealt with this together. Together as friends the words made her remember how they had come through the after effects of her encounter with the alien who had tried to convince her she was dead.  
  
She was alright because of him.  
  
After Scorpion she promised herself she would never again be that vulnerable. Command and personal feelings had intermingled then. Mostly she had to admit that was down to her, she had been hurt by the fact he had ignored her orders. When he had only been doing his duty, as he saw it protecting the ship and their crew.  
  
Their disagreement over the borg. She closed her eyes. They had both thought they were right then, but neither of them realised until after how much that argument would unnerve them. Now this, again she damned the Nemesis he had encountered. The fact he had withdrawn, closed down his feelings since coming back had made her realise how much she had come to rely on those feeling and him. More than that, she needed him the man Chakotay. But Captain Kathryn Janeway would not admit that to anyone, not even herself.  
  
Damn him. She was the Captain of a Starship; she shouldn't need anyone.  
  
Of course, even now she was disagreeing with herself. She wasn't sure what to do. Part of her wanted to destroy the invisible barrier between them. No, that wasn't right. It was the barrier that surrounded her and only her. He had never hidden anything from her. From the rest of the crew, yes, he was a very private man. But from her he hid nothing. His heart and feelings open to her. Damn him, perhaps that was the reason she tried to hide everything. Letting her feelings go, would get them nowhere or she smiled everywhere.  
  
Harry look up for almost an hour now they had worked solidly. The Commander had hardly said a word since they had arrived.  
  
Tuvok knew as soon as the three entered the bridge something was amiss. What he did not know. But he had been concerned by the Commander's behaviour since their return, he would speak to the Captain.  
  
She felt Neelix looking to her, she tried to smile to reassure him everything was alright, and the look he gave her told her she had failed even at that.  
  
She left the room she had a lot of thinking to do.  
  
I could write more? Please review. 


	2. Part 2

Part 2  
  
Again the characters belong to Paramount;  
  
Kathryn reached up and rubbed the back of her neck, *how long have I been sitting here* lifting the cup to her lips she spat it out "Urgh cold"  
  
She rose and moved to the replicator "coffee hot, black" she took the cup and said a silent prayer to the God of replicators that it was on its best behaviour tonight. Returning to the sofa, she lifted her legs under her and watched the stars.  
  
She was.. tired. Exhausted physically and emotionally while he had been gone she had not slept properly for fear for his safety. Now he was back she did not sleep properly for fear of what?  
  
Now he was back.  
  
The fact he had come back should have been enough but how he had come back had proven to her as if she needed it, how much she had come over the years to rely on him and she had missed him.  
  
Chakotay. Her Chakotay had stayed behind on that planet.  
  
Damn even her own mind betrayed her where he was concerned *her Chakotay* by what right did she claim him as hers. She really did need to sleep, she moved toward her bedroom.  
  
Since Scorpion she had spent many fruitless nights unable to sleep, thinking over their relationship. The only conclusion she had come to so far one morning after another sleepless night was that she couldn't come to a conclusion. She had never been able to make a decision regarding him, and stick to it anyway. She would be determined to keep him at a distance, and then find her hand on his chest. That bothered her. She couldn't be indecisive. The crew needed a Captain who knew her mind and stuck to it. She sighed she knew already that's how they saw her most of the time, a strong a confident Captain who would get them home. She could never let them see this indecisive side of her.  
  
After showering she put on her nightdress then brushed her hair. Slipping beneath the covers and tried to sleep.  
  
But that it was pointless her mind was not ready to sleep;  
  
She had become accustomed to his smile the one he saved only for her. Even his twisted sense of humour appealed to her. Yes they argued and he had strong views but always she had known no one could break their friendship. How could she be expected to handle this now when she was fighting with herself to keep control of her feelings?  
  
She smiled wishing she could talk to Chakotay about this. But that was the problem wasn't it the fact she had come to rely on talking things through with him. He understood the confines she had to work in. A Captain, alone light years from Star Fleet, and the protocols she relied on.  
  
Daddy! Thinking of the alien earlier reminded her Father of how she felt after he died.  
  
The thought made her sit up was that it? Was Chakotay depressed? Kathryn had experienced depression when her father died but never having seen it from the outside looking in is this what it was like? Watching someone you care for withdraw into themselves.  
  
They had come to rely on each other. His comfort, his support, she couldn't get that from anyone else aboard Voyager, not even Tuvok although he tried. Chakotay was the only one she felt understood her. Now he needed her.  
  
To help him meant she would have to break through the barrier she had put up, because she knew once she stepped into the darkness to help him back into the light she would have to tell him why she needed him.  
  
To travel through the stars with her. Always.  
  
  
  
  
  
She turned on her back and closed her eyes she needed to sleep.  
  
Next door in his cabin Chakotay sat looking at the stars go by.  
  
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Please read and review. 


	3. Part3

DISCLAIMER; STAR TREK AND THESE CHARACTERS BELONG TO PARAMOUNT.  
  
  
  
Leaning back into the sofa he rested his head on his hands. He so wanted to forget, but that was impossible. He needed to move forward but the events of the last few months ha a strong hold on to him.  
  
When had things got so bad, or had they? Was it his perception of the events, or the events themselves that were the problem? Was he seeing problems where there were none?  
  
He sat up his body hunched forward his head almost touching his knees. He needed to clear his mind. Rubbing the back of his neck he rose and moved toward the replicator.  
  
"Coffee hot, black" he spoke knowing how amused Kathryn would be at his lapse as she would see it towards her main vice. The thought of her struggling to comprehend his choice of drink made him smile. He had never been able to bring himself to admit he liked black coffee. The distraction they both gained from his half hearted attempts to convert her from the "evils of caffeine" was a game they both enjoyed.  
  
They had many "games" they played they had had built up quite a repertoire over the years. Both knew the ground rules and played accordingly. Although at times Kathryn would push the boundaries. At those times he was the one who brought them back within the playing field. Knowing when she did push it was almost as if it were a test, to see how safe it was, how much she could let him see of Kathryn and still feel "safe" with their relationship. He knew she could never commit to anything unless she had tested the theory first. It pleased him to see her enjoyment at the discomfort her theory testing sometimes pushed him to. She flirted with him on the bridge and in front of the crew, he knew she was pushing him for a reaction, but he also knew that a reaction was in fact the last thing she wanted. He was "safe" territory for her, a straight man who she used as the butt for her humour when defusing situations. Sometimes to keep her on her toes he would give her a look saying "careful Kathryn or you may get what you ask for" at those times he saw her eyes dance at those moments she always touched his arm or put a hand on his chest, as if to appease him. He never touched her in front of the crew; in fact he never spoke her name out loud in company. That too was part of their game.  
  
He stood drinking his coffee, trying to recall when they had become so comfortable with each other, New Earth, The 37's Coda, Seeska.  
  
When had they become more than best friends,  
  
He slumped back on the chair he recalled other words  
  
"Unless I can repair the damage she may never regain consciousness" "ENSIGN WILDMANS BABY HAD DIED" "It will be your undoing" "THE MOMENT WE TURNED AWAY FROM EACH OTHER" "I'm sorry she's dead" "WE'VE LOST HARRY" "do I think Seeska could manipulate you and me with this yes" "GOING TO BE A FATHER " "trapped" "IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING B'ELLANA WILL DIE" "it's the borg" "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME KATHRYN BREATHE DAMN IT BREATHE" To many thoughts in his head to many voices.  
  
He held his head the words hammering in his brain "At what point is the risk too great, at what point do we come about and retreat to friendly territory, could the crew accept living out the rest of their lives in the delta quadrant. I keep looking to all these Captains my comrades in arms but the truth is I'm alone." he breathed "If that moment ever comes we'll face it together and we'll make the right decision your not alone Kathryn." His eyes hurt but he could not cry "A few years ago, I didn't even know your name now I couldn't imagine a day without you"  
  
His self control was something Chakotay valued highly and the thought of loosing that control terrified him. His grandfather had lost his mind and Chakotay as a boy had been disgusted by the old man's behaviour "crazy old man" he had though. As time passed he realised he dreaded the thought it could happen to him, that he would not know reality from fantasy. But that was what the Vori had done. In their attempt to brain wash him they had altered his perception of reality. Doing so they had rekindled in him what he tried to keep suppressed even from himself.  
  
The hatred they had uncovered was something he had managed to keep under a tight reign on his time on Voyager. Soon after he had come aboard he had started to feel an inner peace he had never before experienced. Over the years he had come to believe it was a part of him that had gone forever. The Marquis had been his family. But that was always tempered by the fact that in the fight to keep them alive he had lost a little more of himself every day. The violence and hatred he could unleash in himself to fight the Cardassian's almost a distant memory now. Some times it was as if he was recalling someone else's memories of that time. So different was he now. Travelling by her side, trying to lessen her burden. He had he become a man of peace? He had seen enough pain and suffering to last anyone more than a lifetime.  
  
Once he had tried to explain his past and his present to her. By way of an ancient legend he had hoped she had understood. He liked to believe she had and they had moved forward from that. He did know their friendship had grown they had almost become intertwined so that each knew the other's thoughts. Their command relationship and their friendship had blossomed over the years, and the ship and crew had flourished.  
  
But now the command relationship was workable but;  
  
Kathryn and Chakotay were floundering, both afraid of the next step not for the step but because of what they stood to loose by taking it. But why is all he needed to know. Why?  
  
"That's a luxury I do not have" her voice as clear as a bell so much so he opened his eyes and searched the room for her. Knowing she was not there only in his head.  
  
He knew of course she was the Captain and she lived by the rules of Starfleet; All Captains were in the same position, but most of them had the safety blanket of a hierarchy above them, ever present, Ambassadors and Starfleet committees, Admirals and review boards. But she had only herself her crew and him. Sometimes she could not afford he knew to listen to the latter. Sometimes she could not afford not to. Too much pressure at times he wondered how he would cope. But he knew they were both driven by the same desire although for different reasons to get the crew home. Her reason because her decision had stranded them, his reason because she needed too.  
  
But the cost they were paying to get them home was high;  
  
His to forsake Kathryn until she got them home.  
  
Hers to forsake Kathryn until she got them home.  
  
It was the chicken and the egg, which was the higher sacrifice.  
  
But they both had the same end result.  
  
Sadness and anger.  
  
He had told her the other day "he wished it was as easy to stop hating as it was to start" when he had looked at Kathryn he saw her distress at the hate in his eye's; he regretted it now had she thought he meant it for her. He had turned and walked away. Unable to speak for the anger building, not even able to trust him self.  
  
Now he was angry at the whole damned mess.  
  
He did not need these feelings to survive now. At one time they were a necessity for his survival he had carried hate and anger with him daily. But now they were dragging him down into the darkness and he craved the light.  
  
Once again he lowered his head but the tears would not come.  
  
I COULD CONTINUE I HAVE AN END IN MIND? . 


	4. Part 4

PART 4.  
  
THE CHARACTERS ARE PARAMOUNTS. The poetry is Robert Burns.  
  
Please if you enjoy it review this is only my second attempt at fan fiction and would love feedback that's constructive.  
  
  
  
Neelix sighed, he had hoped it had been resolved but it was plain to see it had not. Maybe some things could never be resolved.  
  
"Excuse me?" his attention returned to what he was doing. He looked up into the face of Tom Paris who was holding his plate out waiting for his portion of leola root stew that Neelix was holding in mid air between saucepan and plate.  
  
"Oh Sorry, Tom I was distracted" he launched the stew onto Tom's plate splattering him in the process.  
  
"Thanks" was the reply and he turned to see what had the Talaxian's attention  
  
"Oh" was all he said  
  
"Oh indeed, I was hoping that..." Neelix trailed off looking at Tom's face he realised he did not have to explain.  
  
Tom finished his meal and sat awhile watching but suddenly had a feeling of overwhelming loneliness engulf him. He stood and nodding to Neelix he left.  
  
He found himself on the bridge and seeing no one in the command chair he looked at Harry and inclined his head in question.  
  
"It's Tuvok he's just been called to engineering and I have the bridge until he gets back" he stopped looking at his friend "are you alright?"  
  
"Depends"  
  
"Same here" he stepped closer and lowered his voice "I don't remember the last time they" his voice cut short as Tuvok returned.  
  
Neelix hovered and fussed he had cleaned every available surface he could and then some but he now had no reason to remain. He would have offered his company but he knew it was not required. He cleared his throat to gain attention"I'm going now unless you need anything else?" he received no response "I'll leave the lights on this side see you in the morning?" still no response he moved away but could not bring himself to leave he tried once again "You will be alright?" "I'll be fine Thanks Neelix" At last the first words for over 4 hours with that Neelix left turning out the lights as he went.  
  
"Is this chair taken" a silly question as the place was empty  
  
"Help yourself"  
  
"Thanks, I was hoping to find you here"  
  
"I wouldn't be hard to find"  
  
"No I suppose not," placing an open bottle of wine and two glasses on the table she sat with him. They sat together in silence then slowly Kathryn raised her hand and spoke  
  
"Here's a hand, my trusty friend- and give a hand of thine?"  
  
Her voice soft and in it he heard the sadness and love. He looked into her eyes and saw the tears in them he raised his hand slowly and their fingers entwined their grips both strong as if each had found a lifeline and would not let go. Which in effect is what they had, each a grip on reality and the present. He licked his lips and locked his eyes with hers as he spoke so softly she had to lean forward to catch it  
  
"For auld Lang syne?"  
  
"For auld Lang syne my friend" she replied  
  
As she spoke she saw a tear roll down his face and she reached her free hand to his cheek and wiped away the tear with her thumb as she did she knew the tears were pouring down her own face. Keeping her hand on his face she spoke "I've missed you.."her words halted as he raised his finger to her lips.  
  
"I've missed you too" his voice still soft  
  
"Don't ever scare me like this again; I need you with me always"  
  
His fingers having left her lips now caressed her face.  
  
"I know Kathryn and I'm yours for always you know that"  
  
They sat for awhile hands still joined he broke the silence  
  
"Shall I pour" "please"  
  
They lifted their glasses in toast "We'll take a cup of kindness yet" his smile this time touched his eyes as his words reached her ears his smile reached her heart. But she had to be sure;  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm getting there"  
  
"Are we alright" she had to know he lowered his glass  
  
"Kathryn you know you have always have had and always will have my heart" she lowered her glass and traced his tattoo with her thumb she swallowed and then spoke  
  
"And you always had my soul"  
  
He raised his hand and covered hers on his face  
  
"Kathryn" he smiled at her  
  
"Kathryn we have to define parameters"  
  
She looked at him as her brain tried to make sense of what he was saying then she realised her words to him on New Earth. His eyes were laughing now and she joined him.  
  
She took the opening he offered  
  
"Chakotay I don't think I can define parameters, but I can tell you a story an ancient legend..." They both started to laugh even louder then before, but their hands as their hearts remained entwined.  
  
They raised their glasses again in a toast and spoke in unison in a toast;  
  
"TO PARAMATERS"  
  
Their laughter could be heard through out Voyager, and the delta quadrant. 


End file.
